did you have problems bonding?

[Justine&Rafe]

I can appreciate that you must have been going through holy hell at the start… and instead of being the rock you needed, as he’d had a bad run of it he would have been demanding even more from you.

The other thing that I find hard at times, and this is why I love the board so much… is that I feel like a single mum to Rafe.  My fella lives 100 miles away, my parents even further, so I’m all alone with the responsibility.

And boy what a responsibility it feels like sometimes!

I’m really glad that when I have issues, I now feel less alone with them! 

Because dogs are so dependent on us, I think occasionally I torture myself for not being all that he’d like me to be, because I’m all that he has.  Ne’er a truer saying than a problem shared is a problem halved.

The big deal is to get over your worries about it yourself.  Max already will have.  He won’t be holding a grudge against you just because you found it hard… He may be thinking that now is EVEN BETTER than it was last week, but he won’t be thinking “because she didn’t really love me then”!!

And sometimes a break is what you need.  Max going to Bev will have given you a few days for you!!  A lie-in perhaps, a day when you don’t need to go out in the rain, no ‘working on issues’.  Don’t feel bad about that either!  Dog owning is fun, but it is also hard, and sometimes we just need a bit of a hand!

[Justine&Rafe]

And I’m sorry for the essays!! 

On a more practical note, I find that grooming Rafe is a really good way of feeling close to him.  He’s not a cuddles dog – far too licky and gets loopy excited if you sit down next to him, but he’ll happily let me groom him for ages, and it seems to really settle both of us!

… He didn’t always let me groom him because he thought it was a great game and would attempt to attack the brush, then chew on me, then lick my face coz it was at his level… Cue a lot of clicker training him to be still while I brushed him!  And once he was still he realised he actually enjoyed it!

So that’s a tip!

[deebee]

definitely!! Max was silly with grooming as he was  ‘forced’. he fine now and loves it.

i also am on my own, my family range from london through yorkshire to australia. being widowed really does change your address book lol, only a few friends have maintained contact and not for want of effort on my part either.

The big deal is to get over your worries about it yourself.  Max already will have.  He won’t be holding a grudge against you just because you found it hard… He may be thinking that now is EVEN BETTER than it was last week, but he won’t be thinking “because she didn’t really love me then”!!
this made me smile  😀

[kerrie and stan]

stan and me took to each other as soon as we saw each other, when i saw him in his previouse home he came and sat beside me and didnt move until we got up to leave. we have been inseperable ever since ;D

[*Nick*]

When we first got Sadie I had my doubts. Like many of us, I was overwhelmed, wondered if I’d done the right thing, if I was right for her. Basically I was on edge, questioning everything I did. She was 6 months when we got her and had led a happy but sheltered life on a farm with a big pack. All of a sudden I was taking her in the truck, meeting people, other dogs, and all that training. All I wanted was for her to be happy and I didn’t know if I had the right stuff.

Then it happened. I took her to one of my favourite places, a field and woods by a river, and for the first time I let her off-lead. Never in my life had I seen any of Gods creatures so completely happy. She ran and ran, knocked me down many times, almost did cartwheels her joy was so immense. I swear she was laughing!  Then I knew we were meant for each other. I knew what she was all about.    Now, no matter how cold, how much it’s raining or snowing, how sick I am or how miserable and tired….we go out for a run so she can laugh and I can soak it all in and feel good.  :happy:

As the wife says…I knew i was going to love her, I just had no idea how much.

[Lucyr]

Just talking about my most recent dog – my male Rottie.  I decided I would go back to the Rotts and made a few phonecalls thinking i’d get a pup in about a year.  Needless to say a dog I adored from excellent lines had just sired a litter of pups.  I dismissed them at first because they were so close to me – i’ve always travelled miles and miles to find the right pup and it was my mum who said to sit down, look at the pedigree closely and then decide if I wanted to see the pups.
Soooo phoned the breeder and got interrogated lol! But arranged to visit, before visiting she sent me some pics of the 2 boys in the litter and I decided I liked one of them more already (needless to say he isn’t the one I had in the end!).
We went to visit the pups at 5 weeks with me still umming and ahhing that I wasn’t really ready to get another dog and then I saw Odin….ahhh bless him, the sweetest little pup who just cuddled into me and just kept coming back for more cuddles (more than the other puppies did).  So that was it deposit down!
Collected him and he slept on my lap in silence all the way home, first week at home we lazed about and did nothing and we really bonded….although maybe too much because Odin at 2 yrs old relies on me for everything.
But yep definitely bonded with that boy!!

[*Lassie*]

Tam and I clicked from the start, he is very much a people dog. I lost the bond a little when I got Willow, he didn’t like her to start with.
Willow and I clicked after a day or two, spent the first 2 days worrying that I wouldn’t manage 2 dogs and she was fed raw so worried that I wasn’t feeding her right.
Willow is a big fluffy bossy tart, I adore her and she is close to me and treats my OH as her playmate. Tam is my little clown and holds a special place in my heart, though sometimes he will ignore me when I call him when ever I am sitting down or on the computer he is always at my feet.

[Diesel73]

I don’t know what ‘it’ is but I find ‘it’ when i go looking for a puppy. How i know that the one, or think i know that’s the one  😀 …. i have something for that, something i always done, something i’ll do again with the next puppy.

But it’s my way of picking them and thàt one puppy, if i set my mind on it, i’m going for completely.

Next when i picked ‘the one’, than yes i do bond with them, as they with me, instantly. Sometimes it takes little longer to pick one. Like with Wodan. He was from big litter. It was sunshine wo picked him up and handed him to me. I was busy with another puppy, the trouble maker of the nest  😀 . But the moment she handed him to me and i looked into his puppereyes there was something there.

Diesel…. i walked in, heard one yellp, looked at him with his little eyes and ears still shut. Crawling about. So did his brother and sister. But ‘his’ sound, the way he moved about, how he calmed down when he was older and i could hold him…. I knew i found him. The puppy with my name on it.
I could keep him apart from his brother right from the first moment, when he was just a little black crawling genuapig  :D. The breeder checked everytime. And i was never wrong (wish i could do that with the lotery  😉 ) . He was mine right from the second i saw him. I had already picked him than in my head and after 5 weeks i told the breeder. He already knew he said 😀 . 

[Justine&Rafe]

BTW deebee, just glad to know you know what I mean!!!  ;D

[Justine&Rafe]

Bumpety bump bump…..

Urgh.  Bad day.  Lack of bonding with the hound of doom.

So Rafe went to my parents for a week – when I came to see him he didn’t completely ignore me, he was happy to see me, but not super excited – no whining with toy in mouth (which he does to everyone else he’s excited to see) just kinda didn’t care less.  Was far more interested in the other people nearby coz they had a tennis ball.

I get times when I honestly feel like he isn’t my dog.

Today I was ready to give him away to anyone.

He is SUCH hard work.  100% demanding 99.9% of the time.  And more and more recently I’ve been feeling like he has been drifting away from me.  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but I just feel like we’re going through YET ANOTHER patch.

His recall is getting worse.  His heel close going nowhere.  And he is just not focussed on me.  When we’re out if he gets worked up even a couple of months ago I could get him to “watch” until we passed whatever it was… Now he just completely ignores me.  Over the weekend we went to a country fair, and he was fine until all of a sudden he started acting weird – like he was crapping himself over something.  So I stopped, got treats out and tried to get him to focus on me. He wouldn’t even look towards me.  I was freaking out that he was upset and I couldn’t snap him out of it… turns out he wasn’t upset, he’d got excited about the lake we were standing next to and I’d misread the signs.  So he was just being ignorant when I was trying to get his attention.

He is SOOOO HARD.  I really wish I had a thick, dull, sensible dog instead of this highly strung intelligent devil.

And of course now I feel that I’m not good enough.  Because what he wants and needs is to be worked in some shape or form, and I just don’t have the knowledge or experience to do that.  Let alone the time to work him as long as he needs.

[*Lassie*]

Justine what happens if you ignore HIM?
Sounds like you are trying too hard, keep training sessions short and exciting – best rewards only given at that time.
I really wish I had a thick, dull, sensible dog

No such thing :nono: ALL dogs are smarter than their owners ;D

[deebee]

justine, take a step back. you know he is hard work, he always has been and that can wear you down.

you say that he was with your parents for the week and he didnt get overjoyed to see you, my mums weimie was the same. went nuts to her partner after time apart but would what you might call sulk with her.the more my mum tried to get her to greet her the more she would turn away, for days sometimes. act like you dont give a stuff, hard i know, max kind of did it to me when i came back from christmas holiday. he was ‘oh hi’ its you’. kicks you in the guts.

i have realised that alot of how he acts is because of my moods. doesnt stop it but helps me to understand.

sometimes i find myself desperately thinking ‘please dont, can you look to me please’ when really it should be ‘enough already!!!’ and take him away from the situation until i get his focus back. believe me, when we move away quick sharp from the excitement, he looks to me as if ‘wtf? why we moving away?’ if this doesnt work, then we dont go back.

it really does seem to be 4 steps forward 2 back, sometimes 5, but it does go forward eventually. the thing to do is to stand back and try to look at it objectively. i have noticed that alot of the time it goes really bad just before it suddenly leaps up another level and he seems to ‘get it’. 

i agree with lassie, you want this so much that you react badly when it goes backward. wanting it is good. you are not alone with your feelings,

[Justine&Rafe]

Thanks both of you…  (am feeling a bit better about him now.)

Lassie, you’re right about training – he’s cued in when we do proper sessions, it’s in between sessions – like deebee said with the “oh hi it’s you” thing.  I defo think it has a lot to do with me expecting too much from him – and then I get in the mode that he’s doing whatever it is he’s doing deliberately out of spite (I know!  You’d never meet a less spiteful creature – but that’s how it feels).  Also think maybe I’ve been using wrong treat – might swap food for a toy, see if that helps him focus.

Deebee – also think you’re right re the almost begging him to be good when I should be just saying, right you’ve had your chance, if you ain’t behaving we’re going home and sod you you beggar.

He gets MEGA jealous if I ignore him.  And can be a right pain in the butt (jumping up at me if I hug OH, head under elbow when I’m trying to work at comp).  But only if there isn’t something more interesting around.

Now OH has gone back to London he’s back to being my dog – because the interesting other distraction is gone.  God I’m waffling, but think my behaviour to Rafe must be v different when OH is around, because Rafe is no longer centre of attention… could that be why he ignores me back???

I just want him to be my friend, but sometimes it’s really hard.  Bit stressy at the mo as have an important interview this week… Think that also affecting it all.  Deebee am v grateful for you sharing your story with Max coz I can tell you know where I’m coming from!!

[kizkiznobite]

this sort of thing isnt about the relationship one has when other extended pack members there…it is more about the relationship one has with dog when they are not….

you have seen me and ami justine…and i have said she was the hound from hell as a youngster…this is the core concept around ‘the best place to be is’…and it takes work and understanding and not to put stuff in human terms but to look at it from the dogs point of view…

the relationship i have with ami and had with brose and am developing with cubert (and so many others now over the bridge…) is achieved by getting across the message i am the best thing in your world…i may not want you at my feet all the time but when i dont it doesnt mean we are not attached….but when i do you will be because i am the best thing in your world…rafe has far to many re-enforced behaviours….stop nagging him start talking to him reduce the automatic apprasial when he demands ..
he a love…a big soppy love…he been taught to push those buttons… 😉

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