How it has been….

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  • #62245
    GSPmad
    Member

    Right – where do I begin? Why I am posting this maybe? Can’t cope with the isolation of being misunderstood any more  :'( – and will risk the contempt and derision… believe me the stick I would get from my family for discussing my emotions would have to be seen to be believed… it aint done.  :scared:

    Anyway – have spent a lot of years with depression – and on antidepressants (first time i recall feelings that I would describe as depression i was 8…. and been on a-ds since I was 18… have apparently been through virtually all of them and none of them are working any more….  ::) ). But got worse recently – you may remember was have problems with work – stress, bullying and being taken advantage of essentially among other things… – and I have actually been off sick since mid July.  :-\ Have just been diagnosed with Aspergers – and that is a long story – it wouldn’t have happened unless I had found out about it, and investigated it, and chased it up (I was declined referral for diagnosis on the grounds that I didn’t have any problems…..) followed by spending 2 years getting my mother to fill in the questionnaire that was needed before the referral service were prepared to see me after I had managed to get the referral…. because she was ‘suspicious’ of it  ::) – and there is a lovely tendency in my family to pretend things aren’t happening and then that means they are not there…..  :-X And have been told by them when I was diagnosed that depression will ‘lift’ – was told when I was at school that going to uni would be new life… when I was at uni was told it would go once started work… and now apparently the Aspergers diagnosis is supposed to mean that it will lift…. well it aint going anywhere so far….

    And as you may have guessed from my lawyers post – work are now attempting to dismiss me whilst i am off sick on some fairly petty charges – have tried a mediation route and they aint prepared to co-operate, and that is enough stress on its own….

    Family have actually reacted slightly better to the news of the Aspergers than I expected – I was expecting to be accused of having deceived people into diagnosing me tbh…. but at the same time they aren’t taking it well… particularly since it seems likely – to me and the psychologists at any rate – that there is something genetic going on and there are other undiagnosed members of my family… which would actually make sense of various unkind things that have been said and have distressed me for years – if they said them just because it was the way they thought – but they have confuddled me again now with their reactions.  🙁 Though it was to be expected I suppose.

    And when I had just gone off sick – and one of the reasons I think that I just sank deeper into misery – was the dogs…. Have had a lot of problems with them – particularly with them not getting on. Bev saw them in March – and believe it or not we had made some progress.  :-\ But because my brain was not in gear and I was not with it…. gave them each a bone and forgot to make sure one was on either side of a door – left Dorain downstairs with his and took Duibh upstairs with me – and then lay down on sofa and shut my eyes…. vaguely heard Dorain coming upstairs, then heard a growl from Duibh – proper throaty growl – and if I had been more with it…. next thing was an all out full blown major fight…. and it is difficult to separate two large dogs when there is one of you and neither of them is backing down…. got them apart in the end – injured and needing treatment but OK. But not OK to be together any more….  :'( So Duibh has been in foster since. And I had absolutely no idea how strongly I felt about him until he wasn’t there any more…. he has saved my life before, he is a brave kind loyal beautiful forgiving boy and I let him down…. and yep he’s still in foster because nobody wants him…. except me and I can’t have him….  :'( :'( :'( :'( And I have failed in what I vowed to do which was look after and protect my dogs all their lives… and that was one of the most important things in the world to me. It would have been easier if he had died or needed to be put to sleep – could have grieved and moved on – but this….  :'( :'( :'( …it really is breaking my heart.

    With the Aspergers I find it incredibly hard work to relate to people, to understand people – I so rarely feel part of anything, and as for making friends…. by the time I have thought through what I am going to say in a conversation and whether it is likely to offend or upset anyone, the conversation has moved on to something completely different. Which is the great thing about the written word – you have time to think it through, consider what you are saying, whether it makes sense and is appropriate…. it is hard work (and it takes a lot of time, posting aint quick) – no idea how ‘normal’ people do it, but I have to imagine myself into the situation and how I would feel in it in order to think from the other person’s point of view… and if it is a situation I cannot comprehend – like why in the name of doG someone would take a heavily in whelp bitch hundreds  of miles…. I cannot imagine how they would feel either.  :-\ At the moment to be honest I can’t think clearly and am actually finding it quite difficult even to do what I would normally do re: considering and thinking through what I am writing so it is quite possible what I am saying may upset people or not make sense…..

    And then there was the post I reacted to….

    I had spent months building up what I thought were friendships on here – as i said have no idea how things seem to other people so maybe I was imagining it and it is just chat not friendship – I react to one post and I am hanged drawn and quartered by them… and bam that is it…. and no it wasn’t everyone – but was enough to make me feel seriously hurt and confused…. and if you don’t know what I am talking about then it won’t have been anything to do with you.  🙂

    So my side…. yes I was stressed and severely distressed that day. New poster – he was asking stuff I was hunting threads for him that would help, understanding that he was probably a bit overwhelmed being bombarded with info… asked stuff about dog’s pedigree as was going to try and look it up for him in BRS and see what i could find….. what actually caused me to react was the ‘well she didn’t exactly cost a lot’ – that sort of monetary attitude to animals makes me see red anyway, and had just had the problems with my boys and really wasn’t in the mood for someone – as it seemed to me – who didn’t give a stuff – that combined with the sarcastic post from him because I had misread his – genuine mistake on my part…. and how I was feeling…. that’s where it came from. And yes – I was upset that nobody actually seemed to care about my side…. it always seems to be that way and always has been – so yes it must be me, but I’ve no idea how or why or….  ???

    And the same from work – people there who i thought were friends – they seemed to be – enough to ring me for help etc when they wanted anyway… but have I heard from a single one since I’ve been off sick?  :-\ It feels like all the effort I have put into anything has all been for nothing…. and it is just too much of a mountain to climb…. how can I put the effort into trying to make friends when it always goes the same way… but can’t live without them because the lonelines and isolation and despair is too much to bear….

    don’t want anyone to pretend to be friends with me out of sympathy – if you don’t like me, you don’t like me – fine. but please tell me what you think to my face and don’t discuss it behind my back. i am struggling enough to make sense of everything at the moment – please please don’t make it worse.  🙁

    #115989
    Gracie
    Member

    dont really know what to say,
    but big HUGS to you  :-*

    #115990
    Diesel73
    Member
    quote :

    I was upset that nobody actually seemed to care about my side…. it always seems to be that way and always has been – so yes it must be me, but I’ve no idea how or why or….  

    Been there, done that. Maaaany times befor, and probably many times to come  ::) .Every so now and then things -situations, mates, …- turn on you and bite you in the arse.   🙁

    Man is the most selfish and selfcentered species there is. It’s human nature, i guess. It’s not you, it’s the way it is. You can detest that, not like it, break your pretty head about it, but it still just is that way.

    Sorry to hear about Duibh……. that’s a sad sad situation. You made a mistake, and it had great concequenses. But you only human girl, and sad but true is that humans make mistakes.  
    I hope Duibh finds a good home soon, cause he ànd you did not deserve this.  :-*

    #115991
    Prem2Pram
    Member

    My friends son was diagnosed as having Aspergers so I know how difficult everyday life can be, however all I can say is if you ever feel isolated all you need to do is pop on here and tell us and I’m sure the majority on here will be more than happy to chew the cud with you.  :ok:

    #115992
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Hey,

    fellow aspie and long term depressive here also dismissed while off sick and chronically misunderstood by well … anyone and everyone 🙂

    i’m sorry i havent replied to your PM – its something i need to really think about rather than just ‘react’ BECAUSE I CARE and i havent had much thinking time lately !

    i dont have mental space to be friends ‘out of sympathy’ and i hate it when people give me ‘that look’ (you know) i aint talked about you behind your back and have always told you stuff to your face even when everyone else wasnt agreeing which is really hard !!

    Claire x

    “whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger”  🙂

    #115993
    xtine
    Member

    Am so sorry to read about Duibh hun  :'( and sorry you are feeling this way  :-\ I agree with minpin.. get on here when you need someone to talk to, there’s always someone here to moan and chat to  :-*  :-*

    #115994
    Anonymous
    Guest

    actually, i find the forum is generally very intolerant personally.  i spend my time constantly having to forgive people for their own lack of insight into both conditions  :-X

    #115995
    Diesel73
    Member

    [quote author=piglet link=topic=12609.msg243823#msg243823 date=1223206810]
    actually, i find the forum is generally very intolerant personally.  i spend my time constantly having to forgive people for their own lack of insight into both conditions  :-X
    [/quote]
    But Clair, you often take stuff personally even if it not meant to be. You constantly have to forgive people for their own lack of -etc-? You don’t have to do that at all. You do that because you somehow feel the need to do so. But don’t blame others for that. You -like all of us- say sometime things too that i think; ‘oyyyyy  ::) ‘. But i tolerate it and forget it because you are you. You are Clair, Clair is the way Clair is, and you not that bad so… I can perfectly co-excist here beside you. Even interact perfectly with you. Although sometimes i think you completely wrong in how you see something. But thàt’s your oppinion, and you like everybody else very much entitled to it.

    I don’t find forum very intolerant. Harsh judgements sometimes, but hey, we all people with minds and troubles of our own. Behind every member there is a face with an individual life, personal problems and individual reasons for responding the way we do. If you think a post is intolerant or personal, than stop thinking or beating around the bush, just ask straight out. Most times you get a direct honest answer in return.  😉

    #115996

    aww GSP it must have taken a lot for you to sit and write what you said :-* ((hugs)) we have spoken about your lad and i want you to know that if you dont feel able to post on the forum you can always pm me, im sorry i dont know what else to say other than im here if you need a chat 🙂

    #115997

    To be honest I dont know what to say. I was one of the persons you talk about and know of the post you speak of. However Terry, your post contributed to someone feeling that had to leave. I am ALWAYS going to comment when a post does that. I dont take into account anyones personal problems etc, because they DONT MATTER, im sympathetic believe me, but I would pull up anyone who made a post such as that one – and I have done. At the time it wasnt that I didnt care about how YOU felt, just that what you posted was in my opinion not fair. I can see that you were having problems and probably posted out of anger and distress, doesnt make it right and if i had to do it again id stil say the same thing

    I have terrible difficulties in posting my feelings, so to be honest I find it hard to know how to react when someone posts a post such as this. I am sorry your having such problems, and hope you can understand that this post isnt a dig at you or anything, but you asked for to your face honesty and thats me, being as honest as i can.

    I hope you manage to sort your problems and that things get easier in time.

    #115998
    Anonymous
    Guest

    😮  you certainly hid it well hun, which maybe was not the best thing to do, but I hope you feel a little better for getting it off your chest :-*

    sad about Duibh but as Diesel says we all make mistakes, been there with Dex know how you feel :-*

    No good at giving advice but if you feel the need to talk, rant or just need a virtual (((HUG))) am here for you 🙂

    #115999
    Mudgie
    Member

    It was with interest that I read this especially when I saw the time of your first post starting this thread – early hours of the morning – always the darkest hour.  Totally relate to every single word that is in your post.  Been there done it – still fight it constantly.

    So what is “normal” a washing machine cycle cos it is nothing else. So I had to rehome Bluebell and Elsa and believe me that was the most difficult thing in the world too – but I did it because I loved them not because it was an easy thing to do but because it was the right thing to do for all concerned.  :-*  Does it make the pain any less – no – every day I miss them but I did the right thing – as did you for your dogs also.

    I have books that I got when I was in the Priory – pm your address and I will gladly forward them.  I am here anytime you need an ear and I truly do understand but I feel no sympathy only empathy.  😉    and we are great at hiding our real feelings – called safety behaviours  🙂

    #116000
    Emma_rocks
    Member

    I think we can all relate to what your going through someway or another…
    like some of the others have said we do care.
    If you ever need a rant or what ever im everybody will be here to listen

    #116001

    Hi Terry, this may come out craply but i hope you’ll be able to understand me  🙂 i can completely understand, been there too, not the aspergers but depression since about age 9 last year i had a real bad time as i had to change over medications had about 6 months of sickness and hell until i found a new drug i could toerate…and family been there too spent years of ‘sort yourself out’ attitude and ‘waste of space’ etc etc etc

    you have been very very brave posting this, BUT perhaps it was not so much bravery but the complete end of your tether (so to speak) i’m hoping thats making sense to you hun  :yes:

    friends, i don’t actually have any (out of choice) i used to have lots but the amount of energy it took to sustain extra relationships with people was more than i had and now i have a full time job and lovely though slightly ill adjusted daughter and a wonderful intelligent dog and a new friend from here that has been a complete rock for me all weekend (and i hope i will be able to repay at some point in the future).

    if you ever need to talk i’m here as are some other lovely people  :yes: i hope things get easier or at the very least more managable for you ((hugs))

    #116002
    Mudgie
    Member

    [quote author=Kerry_and_Beau link=topic=12609.msg244134#msg244134 date=1223302501]
    and a new friend from here that has been a complete rock for me all weekend (and i hope i will be able to repay at some point in the future).[/quote]

    No repayment necessary – you were good company for me too  :-*

    So the bottom line is Terry you dont need to be alone unless you want to be  :-*  there are people on here and in the big bad world who do care and do understand because they have been there or indeed are still in the mire at the moment  :-*

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