December 11, 2008 at 5:53 pm #62737BARNEY1Member
I always slept on the bed; I was afforded an esteemed position in the hierarchy of the house. They subconsciously knew that I was in charge, but never admitted it, that would be a ridiculous thing to do, wouldn’t it?
Last night followed the same pattern as the previous ones. I would start off sleeping on the floor, get slightly restless, and then jump on to the bed. This chain of events was much to their annoyance, as I am never the most considerate of animals, proceeding to trample across the pillows before finally settling in the bed beneath the sheets. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that life beneath the sheets is both warm and lacking in air, and that there is only a definite period of time you can spend down there. Thus after what they consider a short period of time, I would reappear and jump off the bed, and so begins the nightly cycle!
I am a cunning creature to the point of being cruel some would say. For I would take great delight in going downstairs in the early hours just to get them out of bed. They could not take the chance, I might need to relieve myself, and if I were unable to go out then the precious carpet would make a suitable area to do my “business”. I had done it before to their annoyance, the putrid smell lingering beyond the point of comprehension. However, don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t do it out of spite, merely necessity if they failed in their duties to awake from their slumber and let me out.
The alarm went at six as it usually does. I was on the bed, and he stretched out, pushing me out of the way as he did so, to turn off the alarm. It was dark outside and I was more than happy to stay in the warmth of my bed. However, this was not to be, I was pushed off the bed, I ask you, without any thought or consideration, landing on the floor, wide awake and ready for the day, not a very auspicious one I must confess!!!
I decided to amble along the side of the bed, as I did so I was acutely aware that a large foot might suddenly land upon my body and this would result in some kind of expletive. I ask you, as if he was on the receiving end. This morning I managed to avoid such torture, for he fell out of bed on the other side. It was quite funny to observe him attempting to find the door without crashing into the furniture. Humans are strange creatures, surely it would be more logical to turn on the light rather than risk injury in the dark. Maybe my owners are environmental pioneers? They recycle, so I guess they must be of that persuasion.
The usual fumble in order to ascertain the exact position of the bathroom light switch ensued. I would always savour this moment, as I would wait for the shower to start running before going downstairs to bark as ferociously as possible. My merciless bark was one which could not be ignored, especially so as the adjoining house contained a baby. He would dash from the bathroom, scantily-clad I might add, and dash downstairs in an attempt to appease me, by which time I had stopped and given him that look, you know the one….I am such a poor, lonely creature.
When he had finally showered and dressed it was time for breakfast. He was an awesome creature of habit. Firstly, he would open the door; I would just look at him. It was raining, cats and dogs if you pardon the pun, so would you venture out and get soaking wet if you didn’t have to?….enough said. So the door remained open much to my dismay, as it was cold. If I had the wherewithal to close it I would have, believe me.
It was then time for my breakfast, funny term really for a dog, as all meals are pretty much the same…poultry, rabbit, chicken, all much of a mushiness and extremely uninspiring. The thought process, which goes into choosing my meals, consists of picking up the nearest tin. I have feelings you know it would be nice to be consulted every once in a while. This morning the offering was chicken casserole, I was hungry so I didn’t stand on ceremony. As soon as the bowl was offered for my delectation then I was wolfing it down as if there was no tomorrow. I am a dog after all, and who knows this might be my last meal for a while, well not until this evening when I will be presented with a similar glutinous pile of who knows what.
I feel somewhat belittled eating from the floor whilst his highness eats from the table. However, I do feel there is an advantage of such protocol, that being, humans are extremely untidy eaters and they are known to drop food on the floor, much to my delight. Whereas if I drop food on the floor I can remove it almost instantaneously. I always hold the moral high ground even though I eat from the floor.
Time was marching on and the two children appeared. This was a guarantee to trigger a bout of indigestion. Firstly, I am subject to a little petting, then a degree of teasing, and finally, to a bout of resentment as they always get into trouble for tormenting me. I always retain my dignity, and as a consequence feel quite liberated for doing so, (especially when he shouts at them).
Then, oh joys of joys, it is time for my early morning stroll around the block. I really could do without this in the rain; after all we pets are not afforded such luxuries as coats and umbrellas. Once we are wet we remain so for the rest of the day. Perhaps he won’t be able to find my lead, or the children might distract him so he will forget. No such luck, the lead was found and I was marched outside in the dark and the rain. I ask you, is there any need for this? Much to my annoyance I was lead along a rather wet pavement whilst a continuous stream of rain pelted my body. If this was intended to act as a catalyst to relieve myself it had the opposite affect, as I became all tensed up. I just wanted to get back to the warmth off the house and sprawl myself out in front of the fire.
Much to his disgust I didn’t relieve myself in the rain. I have standards you know and doing it just then just didn’t seem dignified. When we got back to the house it was all systems go. The children were fighting for control over the television channel while the lady of the house was trying to restore order. Maybe we should have stayed out longer. This was a part of the day I loved to observe. I would sneak into a quiet corner and watch the dynamics of the household at work. The mad frenzy of the morning was a sight to behold, there never seemed to be enough time…why didn’t they get out of bed earlier? Humans just don’t think logically at all!
The sceptre of eight o’ clock comes round quickly each and every day. As it grows closer a heightened tension pervades the house. The mad rush reaches a climax with shouting and fits of rage, “I can only find one sock”, ”I don’t want fruit in my lunchbox”, and the old classic, “ I don’t want to go to school”, which only results in further frustration and recriminations.
As exasperating as the whole ordeal may seem by 8.15am the house is always vacated, leaving me to wonder what all the fuss was about. For my part I am tempted into my,”cage”, such a degrading piece of hardware for an animal of my breeding and refinement. This is done via the age-old trick of a dog biscuit, supermarket own I might add, which merely adds insult to injury. As if this is not enough the final piece in the jigsaw is switching on the radio for my edification. I ask you, what self-respecting dog of high breeding would want to listen to the inane banter of local radio for two hours? From traffic reports to what people have had for their breakfast, and here I am chewing on an own-brand biscuit, it really is a dog’s life…..I guess there is no point in wishing, as tomorrow will be much the same as today.December 11, 2008 at 6:21 pm #110701AnonymousGuest
That was great ;D :D, are you writing a book?December 11, 2008 at 6:22 pm #110702BARNEY1Member
No..do you think I ought to?December 11, 2008 at 6:31 pm #110703kizkiznobiteMember
it’s a bit ermmmmm…..beatrix potter meets d h lawrence but i guess it has some substance…why dont you do a post in the introduction section and tell us about your dog(s) and what drove you to write the story…
hi and welcome by the wayDecember 11, 2008 at 6:52 pm #110704*Nat*Member
Hi and welcome 🙂 Sorry, will read when my brains back in gear, had flu ::)
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